


Breath Test

by SilentAvera



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Friendship, and romance sizzle, attempt to sizzle, let's watch Doctor Who drunk, sizzle and then fade about as fast as an angel's touch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2013-09-23
Packaged: 2017-12-27 09:40:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentAvera/pseuds/SilentAvera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for a dear friend at his request uvu</p>
    </blockquote>





	Breath Test

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a dear friend at his request uvu

There came a time when John and Roxy were alone in a house of four. Dave was at work, and Rose was away doing lively smart things as it were, “Master plans” so to speak.

Exactly what were bored youths to do? Of fit age and mind and sensibility, they were to watch Doctor Who of John’s insisting, and make a drinking game of it at Roxy’s insisting.

And by the seventh episode, they both, in stereo, added to the soundtrack, “DOOOOOOOWEEEEEEOOOOOO WEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO.”

And by the 11th episode, it was high time for the drunk babble to ensue.

“Sometimes I have, thes, these dreams where I’m like a time lord year away from the people I cake, care about. My time is set before I ever get to seize it happen.”

John quirked his head a bit, feeling his brain moving independently from his sense of self in the floating realm of alcohol, “An ENTIRE time lord year?”

“Maybe, I dunno, somethin’ like that, lek, I’m trying to project through the crack and the crack has blown up the tardis inside of mek, me, and I became the crak.”

“Yeah, I _totally_ get that,” said John taking a half-aware look at the bottles of alcohol they had consumed. “What kind of alcohol are we drinking again?”

“I wantid to try something with more of a comical tate to it, taste, so I went a la reccomendah-tion via the cloud, clown troll, Gamzbee.”

Welp.

 It was already in their system now, not that that should be any excuse to continue limiting their perception of reality. However neither were interested in the lawful constitute of logic when there is man in telephone booth flying through time and space.  John twirled a few sqiggly sips in his glass then chugged it down, “And what good taste the clownbee has!” he exclaimed whilst slamming the glass down with a stern clink on the table.

“I knhow right? Nowk, kck,” Roxy’s throat click made her hand holding the margarita glass involuntarily jolt up to her chin, “Okey, I might need a slay slight, stoppage rate on the drinks.”

“Roxy saysz she can’t handle anothor drink, hold the presses the Doctor just became a ginger.”

“And then he ate an ap,ple.”

“He DID eat an apple before though.”

“SHIT.”

“Regeneration, the time is niegh.”

“Giddy-up time lord hetalia axis powers moon crystal magik, MAKE-UP!” Roxy jutted her hand holding the entire bottle of alcohol straight up in the air (when the margarita glass was traded for that remains an eternal mystery), “If I showed up, in a blue box, donning a pez, fez, you better be ready to drop what eveles life you is leading, and come with me to royalie squiz some dalek shit up.”

“Doctor you had me at sonic probe.”

“Do you have an angel in your eye, ‘cause I can’t my eyes off a youz.”

“Actually they had Amy close her eyes.”

“Johnb, don’t be a Dalek and EXTERMINATE, my sass.”

"Don't be a Monk and cut me off."

"Don't be a Rory and die."

John suddenly sunk into the couch and flailed limply, _“Rorrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”_ –

"Oh shit trigger warning twenty k!" 

_“He just loved her soooo much, he loved her so much, she was in a box and he waited for her outside the box for two-thousand years.”_

“That’s like, level ninety-eight commitment thing, youk know?

John slumped himself back up for a moment to give his brain the ability to function elsewhere, “That’s it, that’s how it’s done, I will take a box, put who I like inside it, and then wait for them for two-thousand years. Why didn’t I see it before, Doctor knows how to set up those OTP’s.”

“What if you wered put inside the box John?”

“What if I was in the box you’d say? Pleasant question! I am boxed now, I will do precisely that and think of boxed goods,” and John held up his hands miming the interior of the box.

“And then I will pull ur time capsul corpse threw a thousand years and more till u wak, wake up.”

And then the switch of momentary single functionality flipped back to couch surfing and Rory feels and John was tempted to expel said feels through his alcohol laced mouth _, “_ I have died every day waiting, for you, darlking don’t be afraid I have loved your for a thousand years, I love you for a thousand _morrrrreeeeeeee.”_

“Fuck, John,” Roxy placed her wrist up to her mouth while the other tilted her margarita glass dangerously close to spilling, “That is the song the Doctor probably sand when his family went dead.”

“ _Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo”_ –

“He died a mouthsand years in an instant, the lives, years of his waif and his kidz” –

_“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” –_

“And in that instant he knew they were eternity gone.” :’(

“Why didn’t they just regenerate? What kills a timelord?” :’(((((((

“Fuck was that ever explaint, explained?”

“Maybe before in the other seasons, it’s been soooooooo long since I’ved watched them, maybe from the Doctor before the Tennant one, Nine.”

“Nine?”

“Yeah since they all go by Doctor Who, we fans tell them apart by numbers.”

“But John, if there’s a Nine, then there has to be eought, eaight, eight more before him? Like that movie with the little bean bag puppots. The hero in that one was named Nine.”

“Bean bag Nine Doctor. And yes.”

“Fuck, then whry are we starting with Tennant Ten? Show the Time Lord his due respoct, he haves lived over ninethous-nine hunred years and millions more with timy whimy ball sacks, all he asks is that we watch him for all he is.”

“I thought I’d snag you headlong into the fandom, eith Tennant’s dashing dashshway, but personally nine is my fav,orite.”

“Shit son rev up those fryers and let’s do the time warpe back to number one, where’s the dvd?”

“It’s just a juomp to the left.”

“Okay.”

“And then a step to the right.”

“John.”

“Place your hands on your hips.”

“You brink your knees in tight.”

“But it’s the pelvic thrust, that really drives you insaaaaaaaeeeyeaaaaaaaaannneee.”

“Let’s duuue the time warp agaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin~”

“Oh my god John,” suddenly Roxy’s entire body tightened up like a coiled snake, catching John so off guard he stumbled flush back onto the couch, “What?”

“I can’t blonk.”

“No don’t be silly Roxy.”

“John, John, hold my glassk,” Roxy took an awkward step towards him without ever breaking eye contact with whatever she was staring down and jutted out her hand towards him.

“Roxy your’rek, being, being silly,” never-the-less John took the bottle as Roxy balanced herself with her arms reaching wide out to the sides of her.

“I have never bleenked at the challenge, and I’m not aboot to start now, not at a void, not at an angle, angel.

“So there’s ananal behind me? Is that it? A boo hoob boob.”

“John stop your crying, it’ll be alsight, just take my hand, wholed it tight.”

“You are not going, to, Disney me on this. Not even.”

“I will, protect, you from all, around, you, I will be here, don’t, you, cry,” again she never broke eye contact with the mysterious beyond, and the effort she put into her pronunciation after all the alcohol they consumed via Gamzee smashed John down harder from floaty land faster than Jupiter’s ass pull on a satellite and he wasn’t even sure why.

“This is the song the Doctore, sang, when he was watching his family dye, it will be the song, where I reverse hwat he couldn’t, save.”

“Roxy you are the twelfth Doctor, it is you.”

“You mean thirteenmpth, we need one more transition between Matt Smith andbe, me.”

“Your eyes have to be hurting by now, I’m not going to look behind me you know.”

“I’m not asking you to looke, I’m telling you to, _run.”_

“ROXY.”

“Stop trying to impressss me John, and run.”

“Haha. I’m not budging.”

“John y.”

“Y u.”

“John it’snot funny anymore.”

“It stopped being funny one time lord ago.”

“So this is the curst, curse of the time bored, people you care fore, die.”

John rolled his eyes so hard his entire head turned, “Goodness what happened to reversing where the Doctor failed?”

“As a fully timed Time Lord I finalleak, understand, the cautious route to take, leik how a parent would take, was the wong one after all.”

“What does that EVEN mean?”

She looked at him, “I failed you before I ever began.”

Suddenly a pair of arms wrapped themselves from behind John – “AHOOOOOOOOOOOOO” – ***SMACK *–** and a pair of sunglasses got knocked clean across the room. John stumbled to fully turn around and received a shove on the shoulder in the process.

“Shit man since when did you become Hulk the Swat Hogan?” said Dave rubbing his bruised tear ducts.

_“DAVE” –_

“Since we’ve been seven bears deep in some Doctor Whoop,” answered Roxy completely dropping her frozen façade.

“Seven bears is it? Glad I stopped by before you both hit eight,” Dave moved to the counter to set his stuff down, “Some irrevocable time shit would’ve torn a hole straight through the back of your eyelids before you even, blinked.”

“Pffft, old joake is old.”

“That stopped being funny one Dave ago,” said John, and to which John received a face full of scalemate from across the room.

“You two get to bed, it’s going to be hard enough trying to get my own ass up tomorrow, so as the mayor of Whoville, I command you Whovians to bed.”

“Whoiats,” said Roxy jutting her tongue out, neither boy not really knowing what she was trying to say in the first place.

“Well, phoo, goodnight then,” said John trying to stand up when he was already standing.

“Can a timelord ever catch a break, I think not, not is the answer every lord runs from,” said Dave. “You know what never mind, we’re all going to be late as hell tomorrow anyway, I’m going to go make some popcorn and enjoy not one, but two Roses leaning their heads against a wall.” The scalemate returned to Dave’s face. “Yoga is an old and noble practice, what were you thinking I was going to watch?”

“I’m yogurting to bed now,” said Roxy turning and leaning far, far to the right to stretch, “Na-nite.”

“Wait I thought we were going to watch some more Doctor Who?” said John.

“Goodnight,” said Dave.

“Aww, guys.”

“Guhnight.”

“Goodnight.”

“Allonsy.”

And with that John stumbled to his bedroom, a small voice in the back of his mind oddly sounding like his father telling him the precautions of what to do in case of too much alcohol consumption. He was still able to walk, that was good, he was able to walk to his room, even better. Now he just has to get himself undressed and then redressed in the appropriate night attire and oh fuck it, “Bed good,” and he flopped himself right down on it.

Sleep didn’t come nearly as fast as John wanted it to, perhaps the Silence was tricking him into playing with himself, or perhaps he was a little more than thrilled to have helped the dark lord Moffat devour another soul to fuel his nefarious plots.

And with Dave a bit more busy than usual with this job and classes, and Rose prepping for her Master’s program (oh the parallel pranks John did that night were legendary) it felt great to have another person to talk to with a shared interest. Roxy was nice, real nice, what is it about Lalondes that are just so frikin’ nice?

You don’t know, and on that note, John fell asleep.

Morning came all too soon.

Along with the remnants of the night known as the hangover, “Shitty movie, and even shittier reality,” John blunty stated as he brushed his teeth with the sight of a fumbling bat. He turned down to spit and when he looked back up Dave was there in the reflection of the mirror.

“Ten more minuets and we’ll make it there on time.”

“You know part of being of the Silence is that they don’t speak.”

“Roxy’s already ready, sometimes I forget just how pro she is when dealing with a reality caked in fermented pleasure.”

“You calling me a lightwirhgt, lightwieght?”

“No I’m going to call you late when I leave your ass here, now hurry up.”

Amazingly enough John got his act together in the nick of time, walking on his more than wibbly wobbly legs out to the car.

“Ohtch my god John, are you a babie giraffe?” Roxy commented out the backseat window.

“No I’m Donna after realizing I was the most bad ass companion ever and then” –

“John get in the car.”

Away to the college they went, and that’s when John discovered that a swirling head and things that move really fast outside don’t like each other very much and then they pulled his stomach immediately into an ashen quadrant where he promptly threw them all up as kismesis.

“OHK MY GOD JOHN.”

Missing their only class for today wouldn’t kill them, but Dave missing out on his job would, so it was left to Roxy to doctor up John as Rose went out to get some “healing items” or so that was what John understood. 

“My poor wittle babbu.”

“Never say that to me again, ever.”

Roxy then took the thermometer and imitated the sound of the sonic screwdriver as she waved it about his body, “Yup it’s confirmed,” she tapped the thermometer on her head, “You’re a lighter lightweight than a leaf.”

“That Pandamonium box or whatever it is, is sounding really good right about now.”

Roxy tapped John’s head the thermometer, “Such a bumply grouched you are todays.”

“I’m suffering from a hangover, I only lash out because I’m in pain. Take no offence.” He heard Roxy walk away, and for a split second felt a tinge of remorse for his recent snarkpocolypse.

“Poor bittle wabbu. Perhaps I should just go Martha on your asst, ass, would that speed up said, recovery?”

John turned his head watching Roxy return from the kitchen with a glass of orange juice for him, “How much attention did you pay to the episodes?”

“Well I whatched them with you, sod I’d think about as much as you were. In fact, I watched them so much with ya last night that I’m thinking that episode needs a sequal, like two hours overdue.”

“Augh, you are aMAZING~!” said John scrunching his face up with concentrated delight. No use in hiding the joy he felt in having another Whovian to rattle on about wibbly wobbly timey whimey stuff to, especially since he in a spot of pain; joy is good.

“HA~!”

“I love your stuff, what a mind!”

“Geniusous, absolute geniouse. I’ve never seent anything like it,” said Roxy with somewhat less of a Tennant accent.

“One more thing, just remember, you’re going to be great, you’re going to be more than great, you’re going to _be amazing.”_

Roxy deliberately bumped shoulders with John and winked at him, “Isn’t, that right, friend?”

“Ehehehehe yeah. Now let’s go wipe the smug of the Silence’s face, more episodes await.”

“The who?”

“Doctor Who that’s what.”

With a playful high-higher than high five, the duet of Song made the Demons run faster than the blink of an eye.

“Oh my godge John you dork, write that on Strider’s door, this instant.”

“Oh Roxy, this is the start of a beautiful relationship. I can’t tell where the wall ends and the door begins.”

“Babbu~” 


End file.
